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Makes a Great Friend?
November 2nd, 2009 by Gary
Hipworth
I was pondering this question and started asking my own friends the same question. A related question is: how many true, ‘in the trenches’ friends do you think you have?
Let’s take the second question first. Most people said that they had less than five truly great friends, and many said two or three. Does this resonate with your own situation?
Also, it was generally agreed that having some truly great friends makes one’s life more meaningful, and when times get tough, these great people may be the difference between getting through these times without too much psychological damage or going down the gurgler! Therefore these special relationships are very important ones to nurture and develop as one goes through life, you might even say, critical to one’s long term joy and happiness.
So what does constitute a great friend, not just a good friend or an acquaintance?
I think we can all agree on some of the qualities of a good friend:
> You can trust each other which means that
you have no secrets and you keep your promises, you are always honest and truthful
> You can rely on each other for support when you are in some kind of trouble but
this may not necessarily include every kind of support – e.g. financial
> You may not see each other for some time or even keep in touch regularly but
when you do catch up again it is just like the last time you met
> Good friends seem to know or sense when you might be in trouble or not feeling
well, and they will take the initiative and ask you straight out if there is a problem, and will keep asking until
they are satisfied that everything is OK
Now we come to the ‘crunch’ issue – what elevates a friend from being a good one to being a great one?
In my humble opinion, it is only one significant but vital quality. Let’s call it “TOUGH LOVE”.
By this, I mean having the courage and the deep love for someone to take the risk and give them feedback when they see that their friend’s life could be so much better if they changed their life or behaviour or attitudes or beliefs or values in some way that they are perceiving is doing them harm, or making them unhappy. (It’s easy to give your friends positive feedback).
You could just as easily call this fabulous quality ‘COMPASSION”. When you feel the pain and suffering of another human being or animal or bird, or tree as if that creature was you, then you will know what to do about the situation. And don’t think that real compassion always implies being soft, or warm and cuddly. Sometimes compassion can be very hard, almost brutal in its approach if the situation demands it. It comes from the right place called love, but it can be rude, can jolt you out of your complacency, and operate on you when all other methods have failed.
Why is compassion, or tough love such a fantastic quality? Simply because in our society we try to protect each other’s egos and we know that if we break this cardinal sin too often with someone we care about, we risk offending them, and losing them as a friend. We fear this consequence, and so let’s be nice to each other, please, even though we damn well know in our heart that our friend needs to hear this for his or her own good. But usually the fear of possibly losing your friend outweighs the perceived good it might do. You could say that for purely selfish reasons we don’t do the right thing.
Speaking of selfishness, who is being really selfish? The friend or lover who lays a guilt trip on you because they want you to be a different person so they will feel better or the person who is making these demands?
Is there a right way to give loving
feedback?
So that your friend does not feel that they being judged, there are some ground
rules that should be followed for this gutsy feedback to be taken in the right way and great friends seem to know
this intuitively:
Start by saying something like ‘John, I have some important feedback that might help you in your life. Are you interested to hear this? It is coming from my love for you as a very dear friend and I know that if I was in your shoes I would want to hear this. If I have my facts wrong, then I will apologise immediately. Also, please listen to what I have to say, before you respond. OK?’
If your friend is open to the feedback, then away you go. But be careful to follow this process in your response:
1. State the specific behaviour or actions or
other issues that you believe are causing problems
2. Note the negative effect on the friend’s life
3. Make recommendations to your friend on what you truly believe might fix the
problem
4. Leave the building immediately (only joking :))
Here's another example:
"John, for a long time now, you have told me you hate your job. You blame your boss,
or your boring job, but you don’t take responsibility for making that choice or doing something about
it.
This is making you unhappy, even depressed, and frankly John you are becoming a pain in the arse to be around.
You have many talents and passions and successful work experiences that could open other doors for you and make you a much happier and creative person. You could start your own business, or find a better job by marketing yourself directly to a short list of your preferred employers, and I will do everything I can to help you with referring you to people I know, or to getting you started in your own business."
Do you have any truly great friends where the above feedback happens on a regular basis? If you do, then you will know that having even a few friends like this can take your life to a very rare, wonderful place that few people will ever have the courage to venture.
And if you have a partner, are you great friends for each other?
